Shame is Straining Your Connection

Shame in the Partner Dynamic

It's unlikely for a relationship to exist without some encounter with shame. Often times, those who have been in romantic relationships can attest to at least one experience of shame negatively impacting their dynamic. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, couples therapist and relationship expert, identifies that shame is a powerful emotion that keeps couples stuck in negative interaction cycles. Shame is the feeling that one is unworthy, not enough or defective in some way. Shame has the potential to fuel emotional disconnection and increase maladaptive communication patterns (criticism, withdrawal, shutting down). As a couples therapist and married partner, I have witnessed the intense impact shame has on partner dynamics. Shame, whether concocted intentionally or simply a response to an interaction or an event that's occurred, has the potential to destabilize the bridge in which we find commonality and most importantly, safety with our partners.

Shame's Dysfunctional Logic

My partner and I have been married twelve years - plenty of opportunity for the shame game to rear it's head. It was early on in our relationship, with a talented couples therapist present, that I realized I was guilty of spinning shameful narratives about my partner's behaviors as a means to get my way. It was a technique that had been used on me in previous relationships and so I was familiar with its tantalizing, but shallow aims to enforce change. The dysfunctional logic being, if we make someone feel like their bad, they'll change and we'll get what we want. If I made a big deal about my partner's inability to clean while he cooked, if I moralized his challenges to maintain a timely end to his work, if I reduced his scattered laundry to being selfish, I felt powerful. It was a go-to tactic to decrease his self-esteem and increase his effort to change. Like a sports coach with little care for an athlete's well-being and an overemphasis on performance, I highlighted my partners' "failings" over and over again. And shockingly, I did not get the results I hoped for. Instead, I received a calendar invite to an appointment with the aforementioned couples therapist. We [I] had a lot to learn.

Shame and the Nervous System

A fascinating feature of experiencing shame is that it impacts our nervous system. Shame is connected to the nervous system's response to threat and it has the potential to cause a disregulated response. Like many emotions, shame is not just a cognitive experience, it breeds physiological symptoms. Polyvagal Theory recognizes the nervous system as having three primary states, the Sympathetic State, the Dorsal Vagal State, or the Ventral Vagal State. When experiencing conflict with a partner, the nervous system has a natural evolutionary-based interpretation and senses that we are threatened. A perception of threat can cue both the Sympathetic and/or the Dorsal Vagal State. If we are in the Sympathetic State we tend to participate in fight-or-flight behaviors. If our Dorsal Vagal response is activated we may experience a freeze/fawn reaction. These responses cause distance in the dynamic. There's often a sense of isolation that manifests in common shame inciting behaviors that do not yield resolution.

• Deflecting Responsibility

• Refusing to participate difficult conversations

• Ignoring or disengaging with partner

• Outbursts of anger

• Using repeated statements that cast blame/are accusatory

In the early years of my marriage, it felt more familiar to initiate a nervous system reaction, one in which accusation lead to shame, and shame propelled us both into the Sympathetic State. In that place of activation, with heart-rate increasing and elevated tones, we would blame each other for our disfunction, and of course, this did not solve the initial grievance. We both felt stuck and isolated in our own frustration. In order for us to find more sustainable solution, we needed to learn to calm our nervous systems and find our ways back to the Ventral Vagal State. This is where is we could feel safe, connected, and open to emotional engagement.

Responsibility to Re-Regulate

In order to escape the negative interaction cycle inspired by shame, it's vital that both partners identify how their nervous systems respond to conflict. This identification inspires awareness which inspires ownership of one's behaviors. Change often comes when we recognize our agency. Both the fight/flight or shut down state include specific sensations.

The Sympathetic State involves rapid speech, increased heart rate, tension in the body, or feeling the urge to attack/withdraw. The Dorsal State can include numbness, emotional disconnection, or a sense of hopelessness.

When each partner is able to identify these physiological symptoms, it's a sign that self-regulation and perhaps eventually co-regulation is possible. The original topic of the conflict no longer matters, both individuals need to get to safety by soothing their bodies. In order to return to the nervous system's Ventral Vagal Sate, several concrete regulating measures can be taken.

Body Movements:

• Pushing hands back and forth on thighs

• Turning head side to side

• Squeezing fists

• Hugging a pillow/soft object

Physical Touch:

• Holding partner's hand

• Asking for a hug

Nonverbal:

• Eye contact

• Change in facial expression

These tools are not fail proof. It takes effort and a willingness to change the status quo. But those who have been ingrained in a specific cycle with their partners, know how futile the loop is. The experience of shame is physically disregulating, in order to find reprieve, the body needs soothing input. It is from the Ventral Vagal State that every conflict finds a resolution. Shame gets dismantled when we know we are safe. Once partners are calm, they can engage afresh.

Ready to Re-Engage

Couples therapy is not only a place to learn to identify the role of shame in a partner dynamic, but it also empowers couples to change the existing cycle so that re-engagement is possible. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish recognizes that most couples enter therapy feeling burnt out. Both partners are cynical, they doubt that the status quo can be altered and that safety can return to their relationship.

As the months of couples therapy ticked by for my partner and I, we learned that the antidote to shame is trust. Trust was birthed by both of us taking accountability for our roles in creating shame-filled exchanges. We both learned a lot more about our nervous system and its response to conflict. Our couples therapist encouraged us to get creative to break the existing loops. We found relief in deep breathing, lots of pillow compressions, lots of walks around the block, and many of the regulation tools listed above. With fewer instances where we were both in the Sympathetic State, we could more effectively re-engage and find a middle path.

Now, as a couples therapist, it's a great honor to assist couples in identifying their own cycles of shame, exploring their nervous system's response, and honing re-regulation tools. Slowly, with effort, and lots of courage, couples rebuild connection. This is a joy to witness!

Dalgleish, T. (2023). I didn't sign up for this: A couples therapist shares real-life stories of breaking patterns and finding joy in relationships... Including her own. PESI Publishing.

Dalgleish, T. (2024, November 15). Tackling shame in couples therapy: Engaging partners to create connection over disconnection [Digital seminar]. PESI. https://www.pesi.com/item/tackling-shame-couples-therapy-engaging-partners-create-connection-disconnection-alicia-145408.